this is the first week i’ve stepped foot into a classroom in nearly a month. it’s the first week that i’ve walked into a store or a restaurant, or really any place besides the drug testing place, the BOT office, or my house, for that matter. i haven’t been comfortable leaving any sort of familiar place. i suppose the cemetery and a friend or twos house constitute as being equally as familiar to me as the walls of my bedroom. i don’t really even think it’s location so much as it is context. i don’t want to be anywhere where i am unsure of the role i play or what my standing is. no desire to be in the places where i can’t practice self puppetry and lift each string attached to my limbs and facial muscles to go through the motions. i’m not in the mood to display myself honestly or really give a real effort for anything. maybe it’s not a mood, maybe i am not in the place to exert what seems like so much energy to me. i’m trying, however slowly, to reacclimate to the world of the living. i went to class, sprouts, to sadie’s house. i did some yoga, ate like i wanted to eat, meditated and realigned some things for myself, and a menagerie of other things that typically bring me back to some semblance of normalcy. i even let them prescribe me more medicine. i’ll put the contol in someone else’s hands. live up to expectations and deadlines rather than in attempts to understand or feel better (/feel at all). i haven’t even given myself any time to grieve the losses i”ve endured recently, i just shut down. but if i was a computer, i think now the power button has been pressed but for nothing more than a screensaver to bounce across my face.