i came to the realization over the last week that i have been struggling so much because i have been trying so hard to keep so many things at bay. i’ve been trying to keep life at bay, really. i tried to press the pause button when there was none and all i truly succeeded in doing was rewinding my own progress, and not my life. i have to really take things as they come i suppose, and actually confront them when it’s happening…instead of dropping out of life and creating more for myself to confront. school became a problem, eating became a problem, probation responsibilities, being a better friend to everyone but my fucking self aalllll became a problem when initially i had only been dealing with grief and loss, and had i just taken the time to acknowledge that i was hurting, i just would’ve been able to move on. but in the last week i’ve also finally been fixing things. i’ve been going to classes i haven’t been to in months. i had to boot my friends from my house because their drug use and drama and mess was taking a serious toll on me. i was upfront and honest about how much i cared about someone. and i’ve been trying really hard to get back into the swing of things just in time to save my ass before summer. but i don’t really know why. essentially no part of me wants to be home in denver this summer, aside from my financial mind. i’m going to be making a lot of money and creating a lot of opportunities…but i don’t feel part of denver anymore. i can’t think about any of my friends without wondering what kind of things have been said about me in the last few months. i can’t think about my family without being terrified that i will have to shoulder someone’s alcholism or domestic violence issues or their tears…i can’t really be that for anyone else right now, i need to do a lot of that for myself and/or with support. but who knows. maybe i’ll have my way and only be spending my work hours in denver and i’ll be back in fort collins sitting reservoir-side at horsetooth and hiking the cache and walking all over in the sunshine. and finishing probation. that is incredibly important.